THE RMJ

Michael Jackson. No need to explain who that guy was, right? If I asked some of you what was his signature move I’m sure we would hear “Moonwalk.” Honestly though, I’m pretty sure most people would say his signature move was him grabbing his crotch. Not really sure why, but that dude had an affinity for grabbing his junk. When my intense bouts with diarrhea first struck I discovered I had an affinity for grabbing my butt cheeks. And then squeezing them together really hard as I bolted my way toward the nearest bathroom (always the nearest). I came to call this move the “RMJ” or the Reverse Michael Jackson. Michael grabbed his crotch. I did the opposite and grabbed my butt. I even began singing a little like Michael. While running I would yell out “Hooooeee” or sometimes it would be “Whoa” in quick repetition: “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” When I reached the toilet I would stomp my foot (or feet) as Mr. Jackson sometimes would while he danced. My head would shimmy from side to side as raw energy careened down my spine causing weird, tingling sensations. My arms jutted out and then back and forth or up and down as they worked on getting my pants out of the way. All that was missing was a fedora like Michael used to wear and the snappy sound effects. And maybe a chimp in the corner laughing at me and switching a wind machine off and on. Now, I’m not saying I was anywhere near as talented a dancer as MJ. But for sure I could be the opening act for David Hasselhoff. Or maybe one of the Hoff’s backup dancers? We would be huge in Germany!

The Reverse Michael Jackson

If MJ had suffered with Crohn’s…instead of grabbing his crotch all the time…

4 Comments
  1. karenlangstonnutritionist Reply

    This is hilarious! I know I had my days! I have never actually grabbed my bum cheeks but I am guilty of squeezing them really really really tight! While, I am sweating and doing my “please God…please if you just let me make it…” speech, followed by my pep talk..”Karen you can do this, you can maintain control…” all the while already throwing my coat and whatever else needs throwing while my hands are frantically undoing my pants button and zipper! Timing is everything!
    Thanks so much for posting this…only a Crohnie can relate!!!

    • Ryan Reply

      Thanks for commenting, Karen. Clothing is always an issue, isn’t it? My “Colonoscopy Prep” post is coming soon. I had horrible flashbacks while writing that one.

  2. Josephine A Farrow (@muddajo) Reply

    so funny,also very true for us crohnies.the mjr.i do the dance and make the sounds but never thought to add music. just thinking about which song would suit me. . .

    • Ryan Reply

      Thanks for commenting, Josephine. Hope all is well with you.

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